Free your will...

“Free will” is not something you can always come have; for the sake of other people, or for the sake of more important wills of ours, we must take it for granted, self – convincing “Give it up”. For countless times, I’ve tried to stop tears from bursting out; and my throat hurt as if there were thousands cracks inside. Sounds familiar? Yeah, well, that’s the symptom of a widespread illness called “shortage-of-free-will”. I bet almost all Earthians have experienced it once, am I right?
Living in a family as mine is not at all easy, especially with such hard people like my parents. My mother, though, is very generous, kind, careful and compassionate, is very impatient and quite conservative at times. My father is extremely querulous, inconsiderate, and hot – tempered, although he’s beyond others in honesty, skillfulness, and a little bit of artistry. In order to make my own family stay in peace, I try my best training myself to be extremely patient and composed in whatever situation it is. The whole training didn’t turn out to be fruitless; I ‘m now be able to fit in and to face up with situations when there must be some gives and takes. Notwithstanding, however hard I tried, I can never put up with being controlled in how to manifest my own feeling on my own face. And, when I come to think of it, this makes me feel like I’m a “LaMB”.
Tell me whether or not you feel so irritated when your parents or some adults say to you “Don’t make that face with me!”, or “Don’t you cry! Who did the wrongdoings?” , then when you turn to someone else, they just sneer, leaving some words behind “ Get a grip of yourself, kid.” How do you feel? Small, unimportant, ashamed of yourself or what?
Some years ago, my parents celebrated a small party with my brother in law’s family. Everyone in my family had already had their places: my parents were with his; my sister was with the small kids, and my brother moved around to take pictures – he was asked for. The only one remained lonely and bored, was me. I knew not a single person there, and plus, I’m not at all sociable. I tried to smile at everything, thus, sometimes, I realized myself smirking like a fool. Soon after that, I got bored with the party; everyone was chatting so enthusiastically and the food was served slowly – they made me feel more and more fed up. “This is a nonsense party” – I said to myself. My parents came to me, shook my shoulder, and whispered to my ears “Cheer up, sweetheart. Why don’t you talk to somebody.” I said “Yes, whatever you say” and carried on with the malignant tumor of boredom inside. I tried to pick up a conversation with a lady beside me, and it was, overall, a nonsense conversation about Santa Clause – it made me feel so incompetent.
Let’s just say what happened at home afterwards is a result that can be predicted in no uncertain terms. I was scolded for not smiling, for not chatting with people, for my look that get them on their nerves, and for my manifestation towards the party. That was ridiculous! In the very beginning, there wasn’t a moment that I felt interested in the party; I knew for sure that it would turn out that way, and it’s only the matter of time. Why must I smile when I’m not happy? Why must I show my agreement when I’m not at all agree with it? Living with a mask on, is it better than living with true manifestations?
I don’t want to have a face of a LaMB – no feelings, no sign of life. I have no intention of burying my free wills; on the contrary, as long as it causes no harm to others, I will let it fly away, and take full responsible of it at whatever cost.
Do you dare?

Last words by Levíce ne Karinesta
Tuelie, 20 Januian, 1561